AFTER losing her bid for Amyrlin Seat to up-and-coming Blue Ajah Siuan Sanche, Elaida do Avriny a’Roihan was heard to say the following: “Too many pussy-eaters for a tower this phallic”.
TAR VALON — Last Thursday, The White Tower held the final round of voting for the Amyrlin Seat succession, which came out unanimously in favour of Tairen riverlady Siuan Sanche. Siuan’s contender, Red Ajah and Amyrlin-hopeless, Elaida do Avriny a’Roihan, accepted the loss with typical grace — that is, none at all.
Siuan Sanche has always been the favourite, with political commentators preferring her youthful exuberance over Elaida’s rusted isolationism.
Subscribers will know that Tar Valon Daily has followed this race closely, with an ear in every Ajah. Pulling on our sources, we approached several Sedai Sisters for their opinions on the loss. One anonymous source from the Blue Ajah had this to say (picture unrelated):
Of course I’m supporting my girl Siuan. Have you seen Elaida’s camp? Chopped. And that’s that.
Why does she even think she has a chance? We can’t keep electing pensioners. We need someone strong and stable, someone young, who’ll be here for decades. Elaida’s old as a hill. I mean, imagine her hosting the Lion-Throne of Andor and coughing dust in her face. It’s embarrassing. She needs to take up knitting or something less delusional.
— Anonymous Blue Ajah
Moiraine Sedai, now ex-lover of the new Amyrlin Admiral, said similar, declaring that supporting Siuan Sanche is “hot bitch shit” — proving once again that Moiraine Sedai is a ride-or-die, whether or not she’s riding Siuan specifically.
Another Sister, also anonymous, claimed that Siuan had a heart that Elaida lacked. According to her, Elaida’s birchings had become too punitive and lacked the sexuality present earlier in their relationship.
“She doesn’t even strip anymore,” Nameless Sedai bemoaned. “We both keep our clothes on and she whacks me a few times before rushing out again. It’s as if I don’t even matter.”
This political blow comes as no surprise to those of us following polling trends. The latest poll, ran by the independent Tar Valon thinktank “SedaiWatch”, placed Elaida last, after custom entries such as “Marith Jaen” (Siuan’s recently deceased predecessor), “Meidani Eschede” (Elaida’s ex-pillowfriend), and “rats from a hole”. Yikes!
When asked about these results, Elaida shoved this Tar Valon Daily reporter aside, spitting out that there were “too many pussy-eaters for a tower this phallic”. When pushed on Siuan Sanche specifically, she followed up with the damning “too much faggotry in The White Tower”.
Well, what can you expect from a woman who was raised in a barn?
Tar Valon Daily has reached out to Queen Morgase Trakand of Andor, Elaida’s other known same-sex hook-up, for comment.
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